Assumptions are Bad Maps: Especially in Parenting

- by Debra Kessler, Psy.D. -

I missed the oldest street sign in the world. Here’s why that matters.

On a recent outing, my navigation app noted that I was near the oldest street sign in the world. Intrigued, I wandered a narrow, hand-cut stone street, scanning walls and posts for what I assumed a sign should look like—hanging overhead, mounted on a pole, marked with arrows.

 My blue dot said I’d arrived. Yet I walked past it again and again.

Only when I stopped looking for what I expected did I see it: a small stone plaque, quietly embedded in the wall.

Translated from Portuguese, the 1686 inscription offers guidance: horse-drawn vehicles traveling downhill must yield to those going uphill.

I had made erroneous assumptions—shaped by modern life—about what the sign would look like and what it would do

That distinction stayed with me, because it mirrors what happens so often in parenting.

When a child’s behavior is challenging, parents instinctively rely on their own life experience to interpret what it means—and then respond to the meaning they’ve assigned, which, like my assumptions about the sign, may be erroneous. 

This is where Connect → Reflect → Act matters: • Connect before interpreting • Reflect on the story you’re telling yourself • Act with intention, not assumption.

Children’s behavior, like that centuries-old sign, isn’t always telling us where to go. Often, it’s guiding us in how to move in relationship. Sometimes the most important step is simply to pause—and question our assumptions.