Validation is a way of letting someone know we understand him or her. Being understood is the essential ingredient to feeling connected and supported. When someone important to us understands us, their hearing us helps us to tune into ourselves, accept our emotions as real and meaningful. This ultimately supports the growth of self-compassion and the capacity to be empathic with others.
We certainly can notice the difference when someone says to us “Well, you could have done this or that,” as we share an experience that lead to disappointment compared to response “Wow, it is so hard that it didn’t turn out how you wanted it to”. While the first comment may be offered with the intention of being helpful, it doesn’t feel the same as the second comment. Just by noticing the difference in how these two responses make us feel about ourselves, the relationship or others we can appreciate how powerful validation can be.
So what is it? Validation is simply the act of letting someone else know his or her experience is real. Given their experience, skills and circumstances of the moment, their perspective is understandable. Their experience is real for them, just like our experience is real for us. While this may sound straightforward or easy, it can get very difficult at times to do as a parent. As parents we see our role as protector and teacher as essential to helping our children grow into successful, happy and healthy individuals. Consequently there can be a clash between these two forces. The conflict between slowing down and walking in the shoes of our child who are naïve, impulsive and evolving in their ability to understand and manage their emotions while also wanting to be a “good parent” who directs, teach and prepare a child to face the world can be challenging to navigate. Sometimes we have the urge to just jump in and rescue or solve the problem for our children. To sort this out, it is helpful to clarify what validation IS and IS NOT:
What validation is:
- Listening quietly. Really listening! Silence the noise in your head.
- Honor what our child is saying/expressing about their experience.
- Communicating that you can understand your child’s experience. Restate what your child is saying.
- If you get it right they will nod their head, calm down or elaborate further, feeling safer to share their experience
- If you get it wrong, you will get more information in their effort to get you to get it!
- Being curious about all the factors that contribute to the experience.
What validation is not:
- Arguing why their experience is wrong
Sometimes as a parent it is particularly difficult to validate. When we feel like our blood, sweat and tears are getting spit back at us by a child who may be back talking, sneaking or generally disrespectful, validating may be the last thing we want to do! Being unappreciated by our child at moments leaves US wanting to be seen or understood.
So, here are a couple of guideposts to help you when you as the parents feel unseen:
- Don’t expect your child to validate you. That is the role of a partner, friend, therapist, colleague or another adult.
- Consider validating yourself. Yes, you are working hard, have good intentions and sometimes are exhausted or overextended. Sometimes your intentions don’t line up with your actions.
- Remember all the times when you have been able to show up as you wish.
- Take care of yourself. Self-care is essential to being able to parent effectively.
As humans being seen and understood is the basis for feeling safe and connected. We as parents have understandable drive to nurture, teach, correct and teach our children. These are essential parental functions. In this way we can validate ourselves for our tendency to miss what are child’s experience is in the moment. And yet, our job is better accomplished by letting our children know that their challenges can be understood. After all, it is the fact that they are evolving beings that make their missteps part of their journey. When we understand and validate our child’s experience we make it safe for them to understand themselves and then be open to learning and growing, our true goal as parents.